Babes in bathing suits and bathrobes

"May I inquire as to why you're in your bathrobe at 5 p.m.?" husband-head asked curiously. "And, more importantly, why you look like you're going to leave the HOUSE in it?"
I stood there with my purse on my shoulder and car keys in my hand.
"Not only that, I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath," I said, opening my robe to flash him. "I hope I don't get pulled over on the way there."
Actually, I was on my way to a women's-only 50th birthday party for my girlfriend, Becky.
We were told to wear bathing suits and bathrobes as the theme was a "tropical spa" and included foot massages and food with an island flair.
"You're in charge of the coconut shrimp," I was instructed by my friend, Kelley. "And you have to bring one of those blow-up palm trees."
She later informed me that the reason I was in charge of the main entree was to ensure that I would show up.
"Don't wait for me," I told husband-head as I left. I'm sure this is going to be an all-night affair."
Off I went merrily to the party, carrying my coconut shrimp and my inflatable palm tree.
When I arrived, there were about ten middle-aged women standing around, also in their bathrobes, drinking pina coladas and wine.
"I'm usually drinking coffee when I'm in my bathrobe," one woman admitted. "It feels kind of strange to have a drink in my hand."
Another woman, Kim, had on not only her bathing suit and bathrobe with a drink in her hand, but was wearing a pair of black high heels to complete the ensemble.
"Let's not talk to her the whole night," the rest of us decided. "That's so rude to come to a party and show off your Betty Grable legs."
We wondered if, like the famous pin-up actress of the 1940's, her legs were insured for a million dollars a piece.
Then it was time for the foot massages, which were being done by one of the women who was a cosmetologist AND an apparent wine connoisseur.
"This here is your gall bladder," she slurred as she massaged a particular point on the bottom of the birthday girl's feet.
Becky looked confused.
"Wow, and all this time I thought my gall bladder was somewhere near my l iver, not on the bottom of my foot," she said with surprise.
The massages also included a spiritual lesson and a recount of how the masseuse's soul was more than 500 years old.
It made the rest of us feel young in comparison.
But I discovered that the conversation at a 50th birthday party is quite different than the ones we had at parties in our 20's, 30's and 40's.
In our 20's, we talked about men, sex, love and lingerie. We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning and behaved badly.
During the 30's, the conversation leaned toward marriage, money, careers and kids.
Divorce, skin creams, gravity and gray hair dominated the topics in our 40's.
But at 50, it was all about trading stories about menopause while we lounged in the hot tub after our massages.
"Have you...?" one woman nudged another.
"Oh no," the other woman replied. "I'm still like clockwork!"
"I have!" another lady volunteered honestly. "It's been years and I don't miss it a bit!"
The rest of us weren't sure whether to be sorry for her or jealous...
When it came time to open the presents, Becky got the usual array of coffee, candles and cosmetics. But her favorite was an old movie that had circulated throughout our girls' poker group years ago and was never seen again.
Let's just say that, to put it mildly, it was a rather off-colored film that featured people who looked like the munchkins in "The Wizard of Oz." The movie got passed around the group, although everyone denied vehemently that they had ever watched it.
Becky was delighted to have it back.
"My movie!" she laughed when she unwrapped it. "Who brought it back?"
No one admitted to that, either.
The party began to wind down and people started to leave. It was 9 p.m.
"What are you doing home so early?" husband-head asked with surprise.
"Oh, you can only talk about menopause, mammograms and midgets for so long," I shrugged. "I suppose in our 60''s we'll be exchanging support hose brands and adult diapers."
Hopefully, Kim will have cellulite on her legs by then...