Boomers and groomers: it's the nose hair generation!

In order to prepare for the upcoming summer season and the body-baring fashions that go along with it, you won't want to be without this year's hottest grooming accessory which will ensure you look your very best and make you the object of envy among all your friends.
We are talking here, of course, about a nose and ear hair trimmer.
According to a recent newspaper story, obviously written by a reporter who had to come up with something QUICK on deadline, the nose and ear hair trimmer has become a highly popular item among aging baby-boomers, many of whom have obviously never quite recovered from Woodstock...
But apparently, this particular generation is rapidly losing the hair on their heads, which is resurfacing and now sprouting out of their ears and noses.
The report says that a company called PHR Systems is currently "shipping nearly 40,000 of its manually operated 'Groom Mate' trimmers every month" - a quadruple increase in sales since 1997.
That's a lot of nose and ear hair, folks.
"But how does it work?" you are asking yourself. "I only have a fifth-grade education - can I operate such a device?"
With the PHR Systems product, you simply hold the upper handle with one hand and rotate the bottom handle back and forth with your other hand and the rotary blades clip away the unwanted hair.
"I'm supposed to put rotary blades up my NOSE?" you are thinking.
Yes...AND in your ears...
"What if I've had several beers before I attempt to do this?"
You will need plastic surgery.
Not that there's anything WRONG with having nose and ear hair - as far as we know, it's still legal in this country. And who doesn't have fond memories of their favorite old Uncle Ernie with Bozo-the-Clown-like tufts of hair poking out of his ears?
But our theory on nose and ear hair is that as the body ages, the little hair follicles become very tired. Whereas at one time, they were perfectly content to travel around your body to live on your head, your arms, your toes, your back and your chest - which is not a particularly attractive look on some women - the little hairs simply get weary, stop and hang out at the nearest orafice, including your nose and ears.
To help you wage the war on the unwanted growth, there are even two separate models of the trimmer available for men and women - "Groom Mate" and "Lady Groom Mate" - as it's a well-known fact that male nose hair and female nose hair have absolutely nothing in common. The difference in the respective models being that one is black and one is purple...
"When should I groom my nose hair?" is probably another question running through your mind.
Anytime! We suggest instead of talking on the cell phone while driving your SUV - which can be dangerous - that instead, you whip out your trendy little trimmer and begin eradicating hair from your nose and ears! The person in the car next to you will love it!
"Can I groom my friend's nose?" you ask.
Of course! You can have nose and ear grooming PARTIES! Invite family, friends and neighbors and see who has the hairiest honkers! It's good, clean fun the whole family can enjoy!
"Where can I possibly buy such an invaluable grooming tool?" you are now wondering.
Purchase of these groovy grooming devices can be made at major drug, discount and beauty-supply stores and, probably, your local head shop... Many even come with a lifetime guarantee - assuming, of course, that you are already an aging baby boomer...
Note: Before you rush out to buy your very own nose and ear hair trimmer, we'd like to point out to you, the fashion-conscious consumer, that this IS the fashion industry, which means hairless noses and ears could be out of style within the next two days.
In fact, we're betting that by next summer, nose and ear hair EXTENSIONS will be all the rage...